Jealousy

It's been talked about numerous times by numerous people - the jealousy that parents of special needs children can sometimes feel towards parents of neurotypical children. Jealous of their seemingly normal lives. Jealous of the things they often take for granted...their kid can have full-on conversations at the age of two? Good for them...my kid still can't tell you his name when asked directly. Their kid was potty trained at 18 months? Wow - so great...my kid is almost 5 and is still in pull-ups. Their 3 year old is playing soccer/hockey/golf? Fantastic...my kid trips over himself all day long. Jealous.

But, lately, for me, my biggest bout of jealousy is towards the other special needs moms who have a spouse to go through all this with them. Someone who knows exactly what they're feeling day in and day out and can be there to give them a break when they need it. Someone who can be their shoulder to cry on, give them a hand to hold, listen to them vent and scream and lift them up when they can't seem to take another step.

I follow a lot of other blogs of autism moms (and a couple dads), and somehow all but one of the blogs is of someone who is part of a unit. Their stories are of how they've endured together. How they work as a team and get each other through different situations. Their pictures show their spouse helping their child, loving their child, caring for their child...and I'm jealous.

I want that. I need that. My son needs that. I need someone who understands what it's like day in and day out. Someone who knows what it's like at 11 at night and it's been 3 hours of "Go to sleep!!" to no avail. Someone who can see when I just can't handle 5 more minutes and I need a break to be able to recharge and be the mom I want to be for my son. TheKid needs someone who will give of himself when I'm too empty and have nothing left to give. Someone who will be my partner, my teammate and will help to make my son a better person because of our love for him.

But, I'm a single mom. It's not what I had planned for myself, but here I am. I do have great support from family, but it's really not the same. And I'm jealous. Mostly because I think my son is the one missing out on what he deserves. He deserves more than what I can give him from my exhausted supply...

Although I feel I've accepted the reality that is my life, I'm still prone to jealousy.