Life is stressful...
Everyday life. Not just autism and all its crap, but just life. Everyone has their own issues - work, relationships, bills, etc., etc. - and it can be stressful. And sometimes it just sucks...or, maybe that's just me.
Life had me down recently. There had been a few long, stressful work weeks, and although I thought I made it through the weeks well, the stress caught up with me. I was just wiped. Exhausted, but couldn't sleep. Restless, but didn't want to do anything. It just basically sucked, and I felt drained. (Not quite full-fledged depression, but close.)
The worst part is, it's when I get in these moods that the autism anxieties creep up on me the most. The stuff I try not to dwell on. The frustrations. The fears. The anger towards autism and all its crap...but mostly, the feeling of failure.
Am I doing enough to help The Kid? Am I pushing too much? Am I not pushing enough? Am I involved enough? Am I working too much and not spending enough time with him? Should I be trying different therapies? Should I be trying different diets? Should I be looking at different schools? Different care givers? Different therapists? Different doctors?
I could go on, and on, and on...and the thing is, these doubts and fears don't really go away when I finally get out of my "funk"...they're always there. It is certainly easier to be proactive about them when I'm not drained from the rest of life's stresses, but it's still hard.
What I try to remember is that it's okay to have those fears. It's okay to have those doubts. It's okay to ask question after question after question...sometimes, I have to remember to give myself time to feel the fear/anxiety of failure, because that is what motivates me to deal with the hard questions.
I will likely never be able to answer any of those questions. They will always be there. If they aren't always in the back of my mind, then that's when I actually will become a failure to my son.
Gotta keep things spinning...
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