One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Have you ever had that dream where you're rushing to get to class so you won't be late for the final exam, but you're terrified because you realize that not only haven't you studied for the test but you've never attended a single lecture? I have that dream all the time. I never remember what the class is about, but I'm always late for the test and not even slightly prepared to answer anything beyond my name. 

I've had different versions of this dream several times in my life, but I seem to have it more often now as a mother. It's pretty straightforward in terms of deciphering it - I feel like I'm living a life that I'm ill-equipped to handle. Bottom line - I don't feel like I'm the right mom for the job.

I'm guessing just about every parent has those feelings once or twice, but as a special needs parent, it just feels like I'm constantly being expected to know the answers to something that I've never studied for - and I feel like I'm failing the test. The thing is, this isn't like some college course where if you fail the semester you can just take it over again - this is my son's life, and I'm failing him. 

I don't really mean to sound so dour, but at those times when he's screaming and kicking and fighting and crying - it's so hard not to feel like our lives are constantly one step forward, two steps back. For every time that I think I'm getting through and he's understanding me, there are a dozen times where I'm standing pulling my hair out trying to figure out why he suddenly thinks the world is ending. I don't know the answers. I make guesses as to how to help him, and even when I might get something right now and then, the answers will then change...two steps back.

It sucks. I suck at it. And still don't think I'm the right person for the job, and yet here I am. 

The thing about my dream? It never crosses my mind NOT to go and take the exam. I always go. 

So, maybe that makes me the right mom after all...somebody has to make sure the fans keep spinning...even if they are going backwards, at least they're still moving.